Every test in our life makes us bitter or better, every problem comes to break us or make us. The choice is ours whether we become a VICTIM or a VICTOR.
It is important to keep the FAITH up and never give up, tough situations build strong people.
Once God brings it to you, He will bring you through it. TRUST and BELIEVE. ONCE WE KNOW AND LOVE OURSELVES NO ONE CAN DEFINE US.
I met this guy and at the time I had recovered from some past events in my life prior to meeting him. Was still quite fragile but I knew I was overcoming all that happened. ‘HE’(Ex) for some time liked the way I would share words of wisdom through my social media platforms and so apart from the phone calls, texts, meeting up he began to follow and kept an eye out for messages I shared. At the time he was living recklessly and way before we met he had a relationship for about three years and got cheated on a few times and his then girlfriend turned into a ‘hoe’. That messed him up pretty badly and so to deal with the pain in his way he began to sleep around with different women from his hometown to London. It really messed him up physically and mentally and his disrespect for women grew daily.
By the time he had met me he had done a lot of things and wasn’t quite right in the mind mentally. Eventually he calmed down from that lifestyle and sometime later that was when he met me and started to show friendly interest. He said he saw me as an angel who had come to him to help him change and get back on track to be a better man. Over some time I saw this as a challenge but still took it up and daily would pray with him and message words of wisdom and just be there for him as a friend to help him. Because I felt that if I turned him away that would be failing and didn’t want to, so did all to help. In my mind at the time it was do nothing or do everything to help.
Time passed and feelings got involved and what seemed to be a challenge to help him change began to turn into a chance for a relationship to blossom as well. Now when I met him even though God was spoken about we were both on different pages spiritually, I did not consult God straight away. At first in the early stages I was confused as to whether I liked him or not as much as he liked me, so was unstable with thought but at the same time trying to help him be better, it was hard. Soon he began to get really comfortable around me and began to open up to me more no matter what it was about. I saw how he spoke to women and the disrespect for them was still high. Although what I found interesting was that he wouldn’t disrespect me like the way he did to others he showed me a different, weak, vulnerable, emotional side to him I was beginning to get used to.
Some time passed and we met up occasionally and one day I remember him asking what I like and feel for him, I was not sure and came off as confused to him, we argued and that was the first time I saw a different side to him. Not only that but because of what he says was me showing him confusion (at the time we were still friends but going with the flow and he still had some links he called ‘hoes’ on the side.) So he called one of them up in an attempt to sleep with them because I was confused and withdrawing from him. He told me about it sometime after and said the girl knew he really liked someone and so they only kissed as she stopped it from going further.
By now I was starting to get a better idea of how messed up he was due to being cheated on and so couldn’t trust any female, hence having the hoes on the side and speaking to women anyhow. I never thought I would like him the way I did, let alone give someone like him a second look. But it happened and he would assure me that he would change and that I was a good woman one he never had met before but for this he was going to change etc etc.
By this stage some months in, I began to see different sides to him he had the lustful side, the pride side, anger side and looking back at how he was with women would call him Solomon of London as one of the men in the Bible who fell due to lustful sinful behaviour.
I have never ever met a guy like him before and pray I do not ever meet a guy like him again, because his mentality was that he had been played in the past couldn’t trust any other woman and so by the time I came into his life he had not got into a relationship, after the previous one which was two or so years before this. So all the pain that had been inflicted on him he took it out on me in more ways than one mentally left me scarred, I became really low, weak, drained, upset and constantly in arguments with him over what he was doing. But he just would not understand that I only wanted the best for him, to see him become even better at all costs.
It was like as long as he ate and was taken care of, prayed for and given what he needed to get by that was all that matters. I put him before me in everything even though it was cutting me up inside I still gave my 200% whilst at times I would feel he was giving 50%. Crazy? Yes but then back then I did not know any better other than he must change and I was going to help that happen.
He battled many demons, he loved porn, and women, sexual nature and I remember at one stage I went to meet up with him and took my Bible. On opening the Bible to read it with him, he laughed, made jokes and said some things closed the Bible and spoke about porn and how I should follow a particular porn star to get tips from her as to how to make a relationship work by supporting, being understanding etc. So that the man won’t go astray. At first I laughed then reacted as to say you must be silly and crazy to think what you just said is okay. Porn stars are not people I would ever support or even want to view let alone take tips from them I shrugged it off and left it at that.
At times on social media I would see how he would speak to women in degrading, disrespectful ways and he was a lover of all wrong things anything that was easy. The arguments became more and understanding him became out of control. Just when I thought we were getting somewhere it would be like 20 steps forward 100 back literally going from good at times to worse where it took its toll on me. Then he would say he’s going to change and that I should stay and support him because he has no one and only I understand him and know everything about him. I stayed and there would be times I would stay away from him go into fasting, prayer and cry out to God that why is this guy treating me this way yet I still stay I just wanted him to change and be happy but it was all way too much out of control….Still I stayed.
One thing I noticed about him was that whether a friend or not he would always try to get the girls he spoke to and then there was me on the side doing everything to support him, pray for him and even do wifely duties. At times I could see how he spoke to women and every time we argued that pushed him to flirt even more and take women numbers to build like a black book type of database for the women he spoke to.
By now it had taken its toll on me even more, I would go and not talk to him for days, would weep, not eat, not sleep and lost weight. Others would think I was going to the gym but really his drama and let downs caused me to be a walking zombie at times smiling to others, but on the inside it was as though someone had taken a knife and kept cutting my heart taking pieces of it as I struggled to get through each day.
It then became a routine of him doing wrong, apologizing being good for some time then going back to his old ways. Until one day he told me he called a girl to meet up with him so they could mess around, but said he didn’t do anything with her. Looking back now he probably did cheat physically about twice of what I was aware off. It got soo bad that he would start to talk about our issues to girls over social sites as far as one girl in America who he wanted to do something with and opened up about things which shouldn’t have been said. I saw all the messages and got involved and with that came a backlash and cyber insults by some of the girls who liked him. They knew of my existence because even though he did these bad things would still talk about that one woman who still stuck by him and helped him in everything even though it wasn’t always smooth sailing. So he was proud to show me off when with him and on social media, but behind closed doors it wasn’t always pleasant.
Now youre probably reading this so far thinking why did you put up with all this and still stay? Well you see it wasn’t easy to go, feelings were involved, he saw that I was a good woman and we had planned a future and it seemed to be getting serious to an extent where I would battle within me whether to leave but didn’t have the courage to go. I met his family mum aunts, cousins, sisters, nieces etc and they all seemed soo lovely the mother approved and asked him to see my family. By now I would have thought it would get better but the demons never stayed away long enough.
He would say that hes never been with a woman of God like me before, it was tough and he was very weak but was trying, deleted numbers and I could see to some extent that he was trying to change but there was always something. I was very vocal about what I hated about him and in turn he would make out that I was judging him. That was usually always the starting factor leading to the fall outs and tempers flaring. Leading to a time where he called me stupid, bitch and dumb.. These words stuck to me and mentally I felt myself soo lost in it all, that when I tried hard to leave something would always pull me back.
SPIRITUAL WARFARE: I was in a spiritual warfare, God was speaking to me and pulling me in one direction but I wasn’t listening. Then on the other side the guy was pulling me too. I was overcome with soo much guilt, anytime I planned to leave, I would always go back and find myself repenting after wards praying for forgiveness but still staying. The will power to go had left me. I had life in me but my brain was literally frozen. I took alot of pain and upset. BUT once I knew he was taken care of and got what he needed to help him, then that was all that mattered, it was like I was his shadow. The devil attempted to use someone close to me- who knew what would frustrate me, upset me and then cause me to still stay. He was camouflaged in his inner being like a wolf in sheep’s clothing. EPHESIANS 6: 10-20 A BATTLE I WAS LOSING AND NOT WINNING).
BY NOW I HAD MADE A LIST OF WHAT I LIKED AND DISLIKED ABOUT HIM:
WHAT I LIKED-
- SOMEWHAT INDEPENDANT
- CLOSE TO HIS FAMILY.
WHAT I DIDNT LIKE-
- TOO CRAZY
- CHANGES WERE BECOMING LIES AND A MYTH
- WASNT 100% LOYAL
- MANIPULATED THE WORD TO SUIT HIS SEXUAL DESIRES
- WASNT ALWAYS SERIOUS JOKED A LOT
- DISRESPECTED ME AND WOMEN BECAUSE OF GETTING CHEATED ON
- SPLIT PERSONALITIES/ DOUBLE LIFE WITH ME AND SOCIAL MEDIA GIRLS
- LIED TOO MUCH AND THE TRUTH ALWAYS GOT BACK TO ME
- WOMANIZING WAYS ESCALATED
- TOO FLIRTY
- COMPARED ME TO OTHER WOMEN
- NEVER ALWAYS TOOK RESPONSIBILTY FOR HIS ACTIONS
- PLAYED THE VICTIM TOO MUCH
- COULDNT BE TRUSTED 100%
- IGNORED MY HURT AND PAIN AT TIMES
- EMPTY PROMISES AND MORE DISAPPOINTMENTS
- CONFUSED WHAT WE WERE MOST TIMES FOR FEAR OF HAVING A TITLE OVER IT.
Now already you can see the dislikes outweighed the likes but with what I felt still stayed, with me when I like someone it’s only ever them. It’s funny and bizarre because most times when I wasn’t with him he would phone me a lot to see what I was doing, who I was with and question why I didn’t see him. His insecurities got in the way at one stage I just had enough and stayed away for some time needed that space.
Notice I said he had split personalities- Yes well with me he would be the sweetest, genuine guy and kind and thoughtful, then to others mean, cold hearted, disrespectful and cold. Flirting was always an issue regardless, and communicating with him most times was poor because I tended to keep a lot in me. For fear of receiving more backlash and drama, always said the minimum to him which made things worse. Notice I also said that his womanizing ways were out of control for some time, he would throw cheap jabs at me saying that if I continue to speak up and act up like he thought. There were always options he had of women willing to give it out freely to him with no stress and headache. So that comparison too didn’t help and made me bitter, angry and somewhat upset that this guy I have bent over backwards to do soo much for can act and talk this way.
In my mind now, I believed that because he knew I would always go and then stay that he had that hold over me and could say and do as he pleased. It affected my self esteem and confidence when he compared me to other women whether it was hair styles, dress sense etc it took a bad turn on my emotions and messed me up. Having to deal with all that was going on. His lustful eyes were just crazy to an extent where I would be out with him and once in a while see him checking out other girls on the sly but I wouldn’t say anything. One time whilst out with him further down the line, a Spanish woman walked past us and had a big behind. He looked then said to me come and see this and as she walked down the steps, he pointed at her and told me to look at her behind. Now at this point I was shocked and disappointed at the level of disrespect and tried not to show it as much. Praying and believing one day he will change, I would act this way because he would assure me and show me why he was going to change, all the good he saw in me etc.
Looking back it was like I was strung along with empty promises which I would feel and say to him, but still stayed just with the hope he would overcome all this and change. Would cry uncontrollably, not eat and keep to myself and hide it from everyone because to me it was something I couldn’t handle but didn’t want anyone involved, who to even involve was the Q and thought I could cope but really I was getting worse and it was even affecting my health.
BY NOW THIS IS WHAT I HAD EXPERIENCED:
- Some months in, almost sleeping with another girl because I seemed confused about liking him like he liked me.
- Communication breakdown
- Asking girls to sleep with him then coming to me inflicting pain and insults
- Social media antics (Twitter, porn sites, Facebook, Instagram, skype).
- Queries over friendships he had
- Acting single outside when I wasn’t there
- Dissing me and exposing me on twitter to unknown women
- Lack of trust (asking for numbers and giving his).
There was a family event abroad that he had to attend so in the days leading to that I helped him pack, cook and clean and did the best I could to help in the last few days leading to him going. A big argument happened and I refused to go back and see him, the day before he was due to leave the country he got mad at me and called a girl to mess around with. He says she lived too far and couldn’t make it and so he did some last minute things to prepare instead. Day came he went and was away for about three weeks.
Even whilst he was away via texts and calls we argued, reason for this was that I wasn’t able to go check his flat as I had work and had commitments and he took it to mean I never did what he said, always had to put up a fight and never put him first blah blah blah. His time to come back was approaching and on the day of his arrival we came to an understanding and so we planned to meet whilst I help him settle back in. A few days passed and we argued and fell out over some misunderstandings. So what did he do? He called an option he still had and slept with the girl as I refused to help him with some things. That was officially in my mind the first official time I knew about him cheating plus the other time. Any more times I wasn’t aware off if more.
I saw some messages he had sent to a best friend saying along the lines of youre the only woman for me. I confronted him about it and got mad, left him and switched my phone off. When I eventually switched it back on I saw numerous messages and calls.
Then I saw some messages to a so called friend of his who he had linked way before he met me. He had a soft spot for her and one night he went out and in a drunken state messaged her saying that he liked her a lot and wanted to be part of her and her child’s life as he would help in any way possible. Not forgetting I was still in the picture. He didn’t realize I knew all of this and more as I didn’t confront him for most of the things I saw. Prayed and kept some to myself.
Because at times he wouldn’t understand why I always stayed away, that was because when I saw such messages if put me off seeing him and so I stayed away without explaining why as I was hurt and annoyed with it all. I was a good representation of him never went astray and did things 90% right and he would even say this, talk about me to his family and was proud of it all, but it never lasted and then it felt like back to square one.
Summer was approaching and things were not smooth sailing with us, so I took the bold step to stay away from him, at the time how long will be spent away from him was not in plans. But up until that point I had taken just about enough with everything and hated the effect it was having on me.
In his defence he would say I always insulted him, wasn’t understanding,fully supportive of him trying to change, and gave him stress and did things he hated like long texts and less calls. Even though I had stayed through it all, was battered and afflicted he still found things to use against me as if what he was doing wasn’t worse. You see where the victim and self pity came into play, and never fully taking responsibility for his actions. Not to say I was perfect with how I handled what he did with the insults, staying away etc but by right he should have known better but didn’t.
I see that I was forceful to some extent wanting him to change and how I tried to bring the spiritual side into play. But when you like /love someone and see them going astray first hand you will do all in your might to help them. BUT if it’s not God’s will it ends up destroying you rather than helping. God knew they weren’t for you but you kept forcing and hoping thinking He would eventually approve. NEVER A GOOD IDEA LADIES, IF THEY ARE FOR YOU, YOU WONT HAVE TO FACE ALL I DID. ITLL FLOW EASILY AND NOT CRUMBLE.
With us the big disagreements came with time spent, I didn’t always make time as I had a lot going on and he is the type to always want to meet. I began to see how different we were and how the foundation began to crumble. I kept praying to help the guy change, putting my all in prayer even sacrificing my relationship with God in the process, suffering in silence. Back then once I was praying for his well being that was all that mattered. Lord knows I was drained and sick from it all, punishing my inner and outer being, so that I could help save him from destruction. Not realizing then that we can’t change people only God has the ability to do such and salvation is personal. The person has to want it too and that is where the revelation came. I wanted him to change way more than he wanted it for himself As I was going through that I was putting all into something that was stagnant and ignoring God’s call of rescuing me, before it destroyed me even more.
What God was actually doing was giving me signs of why I should leave him and that he wasn’t right. But I misinterpreted it all to mean that with time he will change and God was telling me to actually be patient with him. You see how feelings can override the messages God tries to give us. He and I were unequally yoked and so what I thought was me helping, by bringing God into it, was what he didn’t want to do, far less than I wanted. He was spiritually weak and I wasn’t as weak but still lost (if you get what I mean). In the midst of it all I still involved God and tried to do right whereas he didn’t as much and that clashed. As we all know LIGHT and DARK cannot mix.
2 CORINTHIANS 6:14 – DO NOT BE UNEQUALLY YOKED TOGETHER WITH UNBELIEVERS, FOR WHAT FELLOWSHIP HAS RIGHTEOUSNESS WITH LAWLESSNESS? AND WHAT COMMUNICATION HAS LIGHT WITH DARKNESS?? If only I knew what I know now before. God knew and had a better plan ahead and I endured it to become better and know what not to do in future.
So I ended up staying away from him for three months, yes three months. (Looking back I see this was more of a wakeup call. God took me away to see what it is that I wasn’t seeing before but as an outsider if you get what I mean.) We spoke on the phone, he would get me to see him and we would argue etc all to no avail I still stayed away. A lot was said on how to make it work, how he was feeling and how I was too, our future plans and everything.
After sometime I got to learn of a much older woman (late thirties, considering he was in his mid twenties) he began to talk to and met of social media. They had some encounters and I don’t exactly know the whole story but in the end she fell pregnant for him. He told me this and my heart literally sank, I’m away and this happens on top of that a child is involved too.. He said he would take care of it and that I should stand by him and support come what may. Time passed and he told me it was a set up pregnancy the girl made up to try to trap him. Whatever the truth was wasn’t convinced at the time so shrugged it off, after some time.
THE FINAL STRAW:
Remember earlier I spoke about walking out on him and turning my phone off? Well on social media I saw him talking to two particular girls sharing his upset about us and what he should do, that he knew he was messing up. One of those same girls was a girl we had argued about some months back. Because when I ended things he then went to go and plan to sleep with that ‘grown woman’ I found out and we fell out over it.
With this same girl I realized he had been flirting with her over social media for some time after planning to get her then leaving that idea alone. Low and behold in my absence they were clubbing together on two particular occasions one on his birthday. In pursing her for sexual desires, eventually the two of them linked. He told me about her that she was in her late twenties, has a child and lives close to him and always makes time to see him. Indirectly saying I had no excuse to not make time, as this mother was always able to. In my space another girl (grown woman and a mother at that) came to reap what she didn’t sow by spending time with him which I later found out was the two of them becoming sexual buddies once meeting over social media. I was distraught for four reasons: this was the lowest blow he did, it was all centred on sexual nature between them two in the blink of an eye overriding all I did to help him, three he lied about it for some time. Four she knew about me and what me and the guy were going through, even saying that me and him will try again. As he said to her he still had feelings and always will have feelings for me. With that she still showed her low standards and started sleeping with him.
That’s when I lost respect for such females who can act in degrading ways to be sexual buddies to guys of social sites. The shameful thing was he hid her for a while, said he won’t be together with her but he might cut her off because of what it was doing to me. She didn’t argue with him and gave him time (time for wrong things). With this he said we should work on a friendship and things could get back on track in future with us. From that moment as he spoke to me with such and was sleeping with her, saw that he was trying to play us two. I was disgusted that there were still grown women who act this way and realised that when two people are in darkness deep in sexual sin they both don’t know any better. As opposed to one being in light and one in darkness unequally yoked it would not work.
So I found this out, but do you know what was more interesting. He was ashamed to say so and never told me it was her. Rather in a two dreams God revealed to me who the girl was (I already had a feeling) her name and how they met and displayed a lot about them. It all seemed so real so I put it to the test and he had no choice but to come out and say I was right it was the girl I mentioned. But he just didn’t want to say who, ashamed much. SEE HOW GOD WORKS!!!
To be honest not going into more detail, I feel sorry for that woman, what starts of in sin is on shaky ground, two he never had him time to work on him and jumped straight into another, God doesn’t bring two people together in sin and three what is done in the dark will always come into light. How those two came together was more than enough for me to see that he wasn’t who I thought he was. On top of that even with her now in the picture he didn’t change towards me and didn’t seem genuine to her. BUT ONE THING I LEARNT FROM THIS IS THAT TO WOMEN WHO GO INTO RELATIONSHIPS AND BECOME THE OTHER WOMAN WILL NEVER BE THE ONLY WOMAN. ONCE YOU TAKE THAT TITLE IT’S STUCK. Especially with someone like that, but as it is said one woman’s mistake is another woman’s ‘joy’ when in sin and you have someone like you, what is right by God gets thrown out of the window. Overtime things were revealed to me in dreams which he didn’t come and tell me. With that it started to become easier to handle the let down and work on moving on.
Making me a mother before a wife was not a plan I wanted part of or ever agreed with, not my portion, as opposed to such women of the world. God showed me why I had to let go and move forward. THIS ALSO SHOWED ME THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A WOMAN OF GOD AND A WOMAN OF THE WORLD. Because what women of the world do (clubbing, drinking, sexual partners etc, is not what women of God partake in because we live by what God says and as proverbs 31 woman in the making knowing far better). She also helped open my eyes not only to her low standards but to why I deserved better than that.
In my last revelation it was a dream which basically showed his girl going through similar to what I went through with him. That was God showing me why He took me away from it all, the more damage it could have done and why I’m better off now compared to before. Now I have me back 100%, peace, strength, genuine happiness and love I didn’t have before. What was lost is being restored.
This is 95% of what I passed through and thanks to God I overcame it all. At times its still painful to think off but God knows I’ve come a very, very long way from before hence me sharing it. If there’s one thing to take away from this is that two people cannot be unequally yoked and have God as part of it, it simply won’t work. He doesn’t work with such and will prefer you are patient for your Boaz, rather than choose yourself. God is not a partaker of things and people in darkness and doesn’t operate with unclean spirits.
THINGS AND PEOPLE WE FEEL ARE RIGHT FOR US ARE THE THINGS AND PEOPLE GOD STOPS US FROM GETTING CLOSE TO, BUT AT TIMES WE MISS OUR WAY AND IGNORE THE SIGNS
Anything you want to share about this please feel free to contact. Other than that thanks for reading, hope it’s helped someone out there. STAY STRONG GOD IS WITH U, HE WILL HELP YOU..
GOD BLESS YOU ALL